#gotta write all of Winter’s girlfriends and boyfriends accepting her for who she is

[mutated-green-things]

Jade Winglet helping Winter discover she’s transfemme send tweet.

[seostudios]

happy without me: all about luv - h.rj

ALL ABOUT LUV ‣ HAPPY WITHOUT ME

just face it, she’s happy without you. but i don’t believe it, is she really?

paring: huang renjun x fem!reader

genre: angst, fluff

word count: 2.5k

info: exes to lovers!au, non-idol!au, college!au, cousin!jaemin

warnings: sensitive themes, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, toxic relationship, mention of rape and sexual assault, sexual assault, explicit/vulgar language 

tag list: @jenotation @luvlyjaemin @woofie-nctzen-fanarts-320 @tzuqui @sunnyrenjunnie @nino7011 @thatanonymousgirl-as14 @minhehe @chrspychan @jimelonji @mykokorobeats4u @aminihhj @jeonjungkat @wishfulldreamss @ilymarkchan @ja3hy4n @beautifulbakerycookiegiant @jisungiepwark52 @sharamanne @commentgirl @littlefluu @chicksung​ @lixseu​ @jenosgirlllll​

a/n: i’m sorry this is so short i did renjun dirty :( i got writers block writing it but it’s ok! ill do better on the next one which is chenle or jeno (prolly jeno) i gotta chekc but yay finally part 2 to all about luv

APRIL IN JEJU

It's been 7 months since you've parted ways with your first love. You two were the supposed high school sweethearts of your year so it confused most of the other students when they found out. Renjun and you were meant for one another but the fact he decided on attending SKKU since had received a scholarship for his outstanding academic records, he couldn't turn down the offer and was determined on enrolling however you were attending Cheju Halla University which was all the way in Jeju City. That was a 55-minute plane ride away from Renjun! Avoiding the future relationship problems to come from long-distance you two would most likely face, the breakup was mutual and you two parted ways at the airport indulging in a rather pitiful hug.

Here you were, walking through the Department of Equine Science, trailing behind your friends Soomin and Mina. It was the first time you decided to skip class and it was thrilling in your opinion, "Come on, they're waiting!" Soomin whisper-yelled. They?

You make sure to ask her who 'they' were since you and Mina weren't standing dumbfounded and possibly in trouble. "The volleyball team dummy," Soomin says skipping to past the classrooms into Gym A. It brought you back to the old times, visiting Renjun during Soccer practice, making sure he's well-fed and not overworked. Quickly snapping out of it you join the girls on the bleachers to cheer on the boys. Although you are able to tell people you've moved on from your first love, you've spent restless nights looking back at your messages, pictures just reminiscing the past.

The butterflies he's caused you still flutter every now and then hoping their commotion was heard and you've finally made the big move back to Seoul but sadly you haven't gotten up and gone yet.

Tonight you were preparing for a mini-quiz, it so happened that Mina shared the class with you. Scheduling a sleepover at Soomin's place here you all are sitting in her living room stuffing your faces with whatever salty and sweet treats her mom had bought. "Oh. My. God." Mina tells you after reading your DM request on Instagram, "What?" you ask confused over what she thought was so extraordinary. She motions Soomin to look at your earning a surprised what the fuck from the girl. "Min-fucking-Ho wants to DM you... He's like one of the hottest guys in our division and has never been seen with a girl so wanting to text you definitely a what the fuck moment. You shake your head before opening the DM request..."He's asking me out for dinner?" You say which Soomin demands you to accept the offer before he moves on. "You've gotta move on from Renjun you know? He won't come by swooping you by the legs asking you for his hand in marriage. He's all the way in Seoul Y/n, I'm pretty sure he's moved on by now with someone else it's time you do too. Now hand e your phone so I can tell him you want to go on that date." Mina tells you after you attempt to reject Minho. She gave you the truth even if it hurt (a lot), you sigh in defeat handing over your phone.

"Can't believe you're going on a date with Minho," Soomin says watching Mina type away. "I know right, lucky girl" Mina replies as you nod. 

APRIL IN SEOUL

Meanwhile, at SKKU Renjun's majoring in Arts & humanities. Languages, Literature & Linguistics which has been taking up most of his time keeping his mind off his recent split. He was devastated the first week but had to obviously push it aside if he wanted extraordinary marks just like in high school, even if he wanted his thoughts to be occupied with your figure in his head he simply couldn't know his classes were paying attention to him along with the other honor students that attended on a scholarship.

"Is that your girlfriend?" Jeno, Renjun's only friend at Sungkyunkwan asked. He's got to know Renjun for who he was today but he's never really opened up about his life before University. Jeno noticed Renjun staring at your recent Instagram post for a little too long to not think you were at least flirting in direct messages. "No," He said quick and panicky before shoving his phone back into his pocket, after relaxing he turns to Jeno. "She's my ex, we broke up 7 months ago." Jeno's mouth goes agape momentarily in realization, "Why? If you don't mind me asking..." He asked the smaller boy beside him. "She went to Jeju for University when SKKU was just a 20-minute train ride from our neighborhood," Renjun replied with a scoff recollecting the memory of the day you told him you got accepted into Cheju Halla. Jeno nods understandingly deciding to continue studying instead of riling him up.

JULY IN JEJU

A full three months have passed and you were still in the first place you were in back in April, heartbroken. Although a lot of things have drastically changed since April it had only made you feel worse about yourself. For starters, you've been 'dating' Minho since April even if you realized on the first date he had only wanted you to fulfil his sexual desires. He's strung his act long enough and you've tried breaking up with the boy for a month now but he won't let you, he's always threatening you "I'll tell the school what type of whore you are."  or something about inflicting pain on someone close to you like Soomin or Mina, which is why you've kept quiet for about the last three weeks.

You were in pulled harshly by the arm by Minho as he pulled you into the supply closet of the Gymnasium, “Minho, I don’t want you to touch me there,” You politely ask the boy who’s currently taking advantage of his supposed spouse. “I don’t even want to date you! Why do you keep acting like this- Let go!” You whisper-yell to Minho who’s trailing his hands up and in between your thighs. "Shut up," He simply tells you before snaking his hand to your mouth shutting you up as you let out a choked cry.

JULY IN SEOUL

"She looks so happy with that Minho, right?” Renjun asked Jeno, scrolling through your tagged post. “I mean from what we know yeah,” He tells him. Renjun sighs, he knew he would genuinely be happy for you if you moved on but it had seemed rather quick. "It's almost been a year, she's moved on. Why don't you?" Jeno asked innocently. Renjun had a gut feeling of some sort; telling him not to move on and instead of ignoring it like you (which brought you nowhere since you're still deeply in love with him) did he's just kept a close eye on you. Shaking his head no he tells Jeno, "Something isn't right about.." He lifts the  phone to the photo of you and Minho, Mina had tagged you in, "That."

DECEMBER IN JEJU

"I promise I'll text you, I just need to get off this freaking island for winter break at least." You tell Mina and Soomin on Face-time, "Okay we will miss you! How did Minho take this? It's your first Christmas together and you leave?" She asked worriedly. You mumble a fuck before looking at the camera. "I didn't tell him," You say earning gasps from the two. "He's your boyfriend though.." Soomin said; "Who doesn't treat me like a fucking human being." Your words were strong, rippling a wave of awkwardness, "I'm fine by the way I’m staying with my cousin Jaemin, but if I don't come back it’s cause he spoilt me into staying."

DECEMBER IN SEOUL

"Merry Almost Christmas!" Renjun screeches before entering his shared apart with his new friend group, Jeno had introduced Renjun to his best pal, Jaemin and Renjun had taken in a very lonely Haechan later introducing him to the two. Today they were all celebrating their first Christmas together with a classic holiday film and cupcakes every day until Christmas.

"Guys we have a guest today!" Jaemin sings opening the door widely to show a shorter girl beside the boy with a suitcase in hand.

"What are you doing here?" Renjun and you said simultaneously as you locked eye contact. "I'm visiting Jaemin, my cousin." You tell him hands moving into the air to point towards the boy, "I am Jaemin's roommate." He responded before getting up from the couch brushing off the crumbs off his lap before walking towards the door to stand in front of you. He hadn't grown any taller still rocking his tiny 5'7 figure, but tall enough to tower over you, who hadn't grown since freshman year.

"She's here." Jeno tells Renjun who's head is under the pillow, "She's here." Jeno repeats, "She's here, She's here," Renjun whispered to himself taking it all in. He always wished for you to get off the fucking island go back into his arms, transferring to SKKU, knowing you had the skill to land a spot without hesitation, but finally seeing you after 10 months of no contact was frightening to him. Why did you seem so brittle? You looked pained, it wasn't his job to care about you anymore, but he couldn't help himself. He loved you more than himself and there's a (humongous) chunk of him that still did. Renjun gets up and sits crisscrossed on the single bed across from Jeno's bed where he was idling on his phone laying down "She's here but she's not here." He said which caught Jeno's attention, his face wrinkling in confusion. "She's not okay, something's wrong. I know it," He finishes getting up to walk out to you- who's catching up with Jaemin in the kitchen while preparing for dinner, stopping immediately as a rush of nerves came over him telling him to stop.

"Hope you boys like Hotteok!" You said facing Jeno and Haechan who were smiling in awe of your cooking skills, "I know Injun and Jaems like it so I made it tonight." You cheerfully smile towards the other two boys. “Glad to see you remembered,” It took a lot for Renjun to even say a sentence to you without having a gaze on you for a little too long afterwards.

It was his chance, he walked out of the bedroom the moment he saw you walk by his door towards the guest room. "Can I come in?" He asked. "Of course Injun," You couldn't believe yourself, being so calm and comfortable with all the tension. Had it really been ten months? He thought to himself as he sat beside you on the bed. "So," He rubbed his thighs nervously "How've you been?" Horrible. You stare down at the carpet admiring it while you figure a way to lie to the boy who knew you better than you knew yourself. "Fine,  I've been..." You sigh avoiding eye contact, "Fine." He looks at you concerned, "You can't lie to me Y/n." Grabbing your hand caressing it for a second knowing it relaxed you a bit in tough scenarios. Suddenly your phone began to ring, grabbing to read the caller id. "Oh, should I go?" Renjun asked after reading the contact name 'Minho' "No!" You shouted quickly grabbed his wrist pulling him back down before he walked out. Declining the call you spoke, "I'd talk to you over anyone any day." Damn, when did I get so smooth You mentally note that smirking to yourself slightly watching as Renjun bursted into a frenzy of laughter, "Smooth," He comments.

"So, was that Minho guy...your boyfriend?" He asked in which you replied with a strong No. "Well," You started "A boyfriend is someone who listens to me someone who values my opinions and beliefs. Someone who is truly interested in what you enjoy doing, or what you like most in life and interested in who I am as a person." You pause to see him grab you hand intertwining your hand, quickly signalling you to continue. "Someone who makes me laugh, or trusts me. But more importantly, disrespect me and force me into," Tears collected in your eyes threatening to fall, "Things." Renjun knows what to do to comfort you quickly pulling you into his embrace, melting when you wrap around him, head in the crook of his neck sobbing quietly. "He made me do things Renjun-ah. Horrible things. I hate him so much, I can't break up with him. Figured running away would've been a better option." He strokes your hair telling you it's okay and to relax. He couldn't help but smile though; he was right. He knew, he knew something was off and made it his number one priority to find out what it was, who would've known you would open up and make your first actual conversation with your ex- whom you dated for a nearly all of senior year about the toxic relationship you found yourself in after him.

JANUARY IN SEOUL

"I got to leave tomorrow." You told Renjun, whom you rekindled an old flame with over your stay. C

"Do you think about me sometimes? 'Cause I think about you sometimes" You asked Renjun looking at him from the mirror, as he watched you do your hair for an outing with your cousin. After that night in your bedroom, you decided on hanging out more and became close friends once more. But the butterflies in your stomach didn't leave, instead, they emitted flying more enthusiastically near him, with him. "I don't think about you sometimes 'Cause I think about you all the time," He said, which made you look down to the floor before turning around to face him. "It made me so jealous knowing you were so far away with that disgusting bastard happy without me" He grabs your hand; which you intertwine your fingers with happily a smile dancing upon your lips watching him reciprocate it.

"Stay." He tells you. You cuddle into his embrace as he caressed the top of your head. The two of your legs entangled under the sheets having one of your midnight talks. "You know I can't," You start quickly zipping your mouth not wanting to go any further, "Students who have outstanding academic records, or who have financial difficulties, who have submitted a complete scholarship application," Renjun said, which just made your jaw drop. Did he do his research?  "You can still enroll for the second semester which starts in two weeks. Have your friends send your belongings." He finished watching as you lifted yourself up resting your head in your palm. "Really?" You asked, breath taken away to say more. Could you really live here in Seoul? With Renjun? "Yes, I can kick Jeno into the guest room while we can have this room all to ourselves." He kissed the top of your hand watching the cheeky smile erupt from you with giggles. "We can be together." You said- asked to yourself, "We can be together" Renjun tells you before pulling you back. 

[frisbee-camp]

Let Me Help (Complete!!)

AO3 Link//Wattpad Link)

Tj and Cyrus have been friends for a long time, but will that change after life comes crashing down and impulsive decisions catch up to them? (Angst, Ambi, love notes, slow burn, aged up so they’re all in high school, god tier ships, mental health, and like a whole bunch more ladies! Let’s get this angst.)

Chapter 18: Bonus Chapter: Why Would I forget that?

"T you gotta eat something," Cyrus gently coaxed TJ's face away from his computer screen, he had spent all day furiously typing and deleting and retyping his common app essay. He had no idea what to write about, he had told Cyrus that no college would ever accept him. He had said that he was just another white boy who wanted to study film. Cyrus hated when he put himself down like that, but he was right. TJ was just average in the eyes of the college admission process.

TJ frowned at Cyrus as he cleared space to sit on the dining room table. They had been together for a little more than a year now. One year, two months, and three days to be exact thought Cyrus. Cyrus handed TJ a plate of steaming pasta freshly ordered off of Grubhub. TJ smiled a bit as he took it.

"Thanks," he grumbled as he swirled fettuccini Alfredo around his fork. Cyrus knew college applications made him irritable and grumpy, but he didn't mind. He knew he could always get him to smile with Tyler James' favorite food group (cheese).

"And what do we say?" Cyrus pried. The last year had been life-changing for Cyrus, he had started to be bolder, less afraid of uncertainty and judgment.

"Thank you, Cyrus," Tj mumbled as he scooped heaps of the pasta into his mouth.

"And?"

"And I love youuu" Tj smiled sweetly at his boyfriend.

"Thank you T, I love you too." Cyrus grinned and hopped off the table. "Come on," he said, "take a break. Maybe we could find some inspiration outside." Tj got up and hesitated, "Yes T, you can bring the pasta with you," Cyrus added as he took his hand.

It was brisk outside in TJ's backyard, the flowers were in full bloom and the night was full of hope. They sat on TJ's grandparent's old lawn chairs, in silence while TJ finished his food. It didn't take long.

"You eat so fast, you're going to get sick" Cyrus said.

"You're the one making me sick," TJ chuckled and grinned at Cyrus. "Loooove sick" Cyrus rolled his eyes at the cheesy joke but smiled on the inside.

"Think of a better joke next time," Cyrus said calmly as he leaned into the old chair.

"What?" Tj gave a dramatic gasp and smiled wide "next time you nag me?"

Cyrus closed his eyes, "Whatever," he said as he imagined them as an old couple, lovingly annoying the heck out of each other, "I still love you."

Cyrus felt TJ grab his hand, "I know, I love you too."

They stayed like that for a long time, holding hands with closed eyes, their breaths synchronizing and the moon softly illuminating them in the grey moonlight. This was it. This was what Cyrus had hoped for when he agreed to be with TJ, this calm, this balance, this stability. It was what he felt when TJ was near, he felt invincible and calmed, like a hummingbird resting on a branch. He breathed out.

"You know," TJ finally whispered after a long time, "this is where I finally realized I liked you."

Cyrus hummed and finally said, "Liked? Past tense?" TJ lightly laughed. Cyrus would do anything for that laugh.

"You know what I mean Cyrus," Cyrus' eyes were still closed but he knew TJ was looking at him with that soft look that made his insides turn liquid. He opened his eyes and found him staring at him. He melted.

"I know" Cyrus said with a sly smile, "you're mom told me."

Tj's eyes widened and he sat up, "My mom told you?!"

"Yeah," Cyrus stayed calm, "we're friends. She said that Amber told her. Cute right?"

"Oh my God, so that's where you go when I'm doing homework? You hang out with my mom?" Tj sat with his mouth open, Cyrus thought it was absolutely adorable. "That is so embarrassing what the hell." They both laughed as TJ started connecting the dots. The coupons he found in Cyrus' backpack a couple of months back, the inside jokes between them, Cyrus coming back to Tj's room with canned bloody Mary's. Cyrus watched as TJ shook his head and slumped back into the lawn chair. "You're ridiculous," he finally said and settled into a light smile.

"Maybe so Tyler James, maybe so."

When they decided to go back inside, TJ moved his college station to the living room where he sat crisscrossed on the floor while Cyrus laid down with his head in TJ's lap. Things had calmed in the past year, Andi and Amber were the epitome of perfect girlfriends, Marty and Buffy still adored each other, Jonah and Walker had broken up but they were still friends, and he and TJ were, well, an old married couple. Cyrus had finished his homework for the week. He normally spent most of his time at Tj's house now. He hadn't come out to his parents officially yet, but they did catch him and TJ kissing on the porch a couple of weeks after they had gotten together. It was strange, Cyrus expected a sit down with lots of therapist talk but instead, they never spoke directly of it. Instead, they would sprinkle in phrases like, So how's your boyfriend and You know Cyrus, that boyfriend of yours is good to you why don't you invite him over? Tj had already known his parents, but sitting down for an actual dinner was awkward and Cyrus hated it at first until he saw his parents laughing at Tj's jokes and asking him for his pie receipt. He had focussed so much on the bad that he forgot that maybe things just sort of...work out on their own.

He felt Tj's cat Petunia sit on his chest. He was a shiny light brown cat with crystal blue eyes that glowed even in daylight. Cyrus had picked him out with Tj's mom, but TJ didn't know that. Cyrus lightly scratched at Petunia's chin, who immediately nuzzled into the touch and purred as he laid on Cyrus' chest.

"What are you writing about now?" Cyrus asked as he looked up at TJ who was now clack clack clacking away at his laptop.

"About how my boyfriend is better friends with my mom than I am."

"You'd definitely get into an ivy with that one."

"I don't need an ivy, I need UCLA" TJ frowned at his screen, the light made him look flushed out and ghostly. The essay wasn't due for another two months, but TJ had already finished every other part of the application. He had never seen TJ so set, so driven, it was nice but it terrified him. California wasn't that far, only an hour or so flight, but an hour is an hour. In an hour he could die or crash his car or fall off a cliff or worse, TJ could stop loving him in an hour. He would find himself a cute artsy film boy and forget about Cyrus altogether. Cyrus was excited for TJ on the outside, but he was horrified. Cyrus had been thinking about college for years now, but thinking is different from actually having to go. He didn't want TJ to leave him already, they had only had so much time together.

Cyrus later explained this to TJ's mom while they shopped for holiday gifts in late Autumn, a couple of weeks after TJ had sent in ten applications to colleges around the country.

"Well Cyrus, you know what I always say," TJ's mom said as she floated through the department store in her signature pink fur-lined robe. She answered herself before Cyrus could even understand the question. "There is no greater punishment than that of being abandoned to one's self," she said in one breath before sipping on a mug tumbler Cyrus knew she had filled with something vaguely fruity and definitely alcoholic.

"You've literally never said that before Dawn," Cyrus said. He loved Tj's mom for all the reasons she annoyed TJ. She was erratic and outspoken and her advice was absolutely horrible in every single way. She'd tell him to leave the country every time he was mildly inconvenienced. It was this ridiculousness that always brought Cyrus back to his senses.

She sighed and put an entire rack of clothes in her cart, "What I have or haven't said in the past doesn't matter. If tyler leaves then I know you will wallow in pain, but that's the point no? Young love and all that. If he stays you will also wallow in pain because you'd feel like you held him back from his dreams. There is no winning. No one ever wins except The Man. Do not let The Man win, no matter what." They had made their way to the shoe aisle and Dawn was now sitting trying on heels in the mirror.

Cyrus frowned at no one and nothing in particular. He hated this moment. He just wanted Tj to decide already, but he knew that decisions wouldn't be out until spring. He felt Dawn push back his hair out of his face, just like how TJ does when he wants to say something important.

"Cyrus honey," Dawn's blonde hair fell in perfect curls around her face, "I can't pretend to know how you feel, but I do know that I was in love once," her voice was softer now, genuine. She sounded like TJ during their midnight facetime calls. "And I know that it hurts, that it makes you feel like you're on top of the world one second and down in the darkest dungeon of hell the next. But you can't stop that from you enjoying it because you'll always remember it. Now please help me get this heel off my foot. It's cutting off my circulation."

So, as Cyrus sat on the floor of the Nordstroms Rack pulling a seven-inch heel off Dawn's left foot, he let go. Not of the shoe, but of TJ. He wanted him to live his life, with or without him. He wasn't going to break up with him, he just didn't want to emotionally tether him to Shadyside, this town of less than a thousand, in the middle of fucking nowhere.

The winter in Shadyside was brutal, unrelenting, and cozy with TJ beside him. Cyrus tried being less clingy, he called TJ less, only slept over at his house twice a week instead of their usual alternating schedule, and didn't dare talk about the future. TJ had been so anxious waiting for college decisions to come that he barely noticed. It was limbo, but Cyrus knew it was for the better. It would be too hard for both of them if Tj left one day and never came back.

One day, the day before Cyrus' birthday and UCLA admissions decisions, Tj and Cyrus found themselves in the park with the swings. They sat in silence, swinging slowly.

Finally, Cyrus spoke, "Tyler James Tanner Kippen, I want you to know that whatever happens tomorrow, I love you no matter what. If you get in or not or decide to leave or not I'll support you and you shouldn't stay here, no offense to Utah or whatever but this place sucks and if you go to Shadyside College I'll kill you dead with my own two hands and force you to transfer and-"

"Cyrus-" TJ stared at him.

"And! I'm not finished Tyler! And you need to freaking live your life and if that means going to California or France or the freaking Serengeti you need to go-" Cyrus was angry and blotchy and it felt like his lungs were about to burst.

"Cyrus," Tj cut in, "I don't deserve you. I haven't been there for you the past couple of months and I'm sorry I really am. I-" Tj stammered and looked down and away, "this year has been so weird, college is so weird and I don't want to leave you and I won't I promise I just, I don't know what's next."

Cyrus softened a bit, he bit his lip. "I'm scared," Cyrus said through tears. Tj wiped away a few tears of his own and grabbed his hand. It felt like Cyrus had just gotten used to the feeling, he hated knowing that in a few months the feeling could be gone and he would be stranded.

"I'm scared too," Tj admitted. Cyrus felt Tj's hand tighten, "Cy you need to promise me that wherever I go you don't follow."

"Wha- What? What do you mean?" Cyrus gave a confused look. Was he breaking up with him?

"I don't mean it like that I just mean that wherever I go you can't just follow because I'm your boyfriend. I want you to decide what's best for you not for us." Tj swallowed hard and continued, "Pinky promise."

They shook their pinkies, "Pinky Promise" Cyrus affirmed.

The next day Cyrus didn't see Tj at school. He had woken up to Andi, Buffy, Jonah, and Marty throwing balloons and confetti in his face screaming Happy Birthday at the top of their lungs. He laughed but couldn't help but notice TJ's absence. He knew today was the day most college decisions came out and TJ would probably be home refreshing his UC portal until 3:00. He understood, he felt selfish for wanting TJ all to himself.

School that day was as boring as always, but his friends had promised they'd do something fun after school.

"We're going to the freaking zoo Cyrus!!" Andi and Buffy had screamed in his ear right after throwing more confetti in his face that morning. He loved the zoo sure, but he hadn't talked to TJ all day. No texts, no calls, no facebook messenger notifications. Nothing. Matter of fact, the more he looked around, the more he noticed just how many seniors had skipped the day. None of the jocks were at school, nor the theater kids, it was empty in more ways than one.  

After the last bell, Cyrus' friends basically dragged him to the zoo. They knew he missed TJ and wanted to make up for it in the more over-the-top ways. Andi kept buying him cotton candy and Marty even bought him a koala backpack. Buffy even gave him a piggyback ride most of the way around the park. Cyrus was grateful but after an hour wandering the zoo, he was exhausted and just wanted to go home and sleep. He looked at his watch and saw 3:00 come and go. He sighed as his friends dragged him around one last corner, by now he was barely hanging onto Buffy's back. He huffed into her hair.

"SURPRISE!!!" Cyrus screamed a high pitch wail as his friends and family appeared out of seemingly nowhere. He hadn't noticed that he'd been navigated into an indoor event space, crawling with dinosaur dioramas and cardboard cutouts of kangaroos with party hats. He was still slightly panicking on the floor when someone dragged him up.

"Surprise. Happy Birthday." smiled Tj softly, Cyrus just stared at him and looked around in disbelief, "What? Did you think I forgot? "Cyrus gave him another look, "I skipped to help set it up." Tj smiled wide and gave him a quick peck on the lips and led him to the others.

Cyrus' entire family was there. Both sets of parents, uncles, aunts, TJ's friends from the basketball team, some of Walker's art friends who spoke in riddles, Amber and her friends, and even some of Jonah's old frisbee friends. They were all there for him. For him. He gave a wide smile and joined the party.

Once the excitement died down and everyone was full of chocolate cake, Cyrus pulled TJ aside and raised an eyebrow. TJ sighed and looked back at his mom Dawn and his twin sister Amber, "No luck," he said defeated, "denied." Cyrus felt his heartbreak for him, he wanted to send everyone home and grieve with TJ.

"You can always transfer in," Cyrus gave his last shred of advice, but he knew it was futile. TJ would never go somewhere where he wasn't the first choice. Tj softly smiled and held Cyrus' cheek in his hand.

He gave Cyrus a sweet kiss, "I love you Muffin," he said and walked back to the crowd.

Tj spent the next few weeks sitting quietly waiting for other decisions to roll in. The sadness from his rejection from UCLA was short-lived as he was accepted to basically every other school (except the ivy's of course). TJ even received a full ride to New York University, his second choice. He was ecstatic. He had spent so much time thinking about UCLA that he forgot that there were other universities.

"Wow," Cyrus said longingly, "New York City."

The summer went by too quickly for Cyrus' taste. TJ spent most days talking and researching what to do in New York City. Cyrus tried to be happy he really did, but Cyrus cried every time Tj said goodbye, even if he was just going home to check up on his mom. Then the day came where TJ packed up his room, and then came the day where he drove him to the airport, and then the first day he wasn't in Shadyside at all.

Amber decided to take a gap year to volunteer in a country Cyrus couldn't pronounce the name of, so he spent a lot of time grieving with Andi. It was lonely and the school year sucked but he tried to enjoy it the most he could. He would get calls from TJ every day so it never really felt like he was all that far away. He'd tell him about his classes, and the parties, and how everyone in New York was mean unless someone needed help. Cyrus had told TJ that he could break up with him to be a free college kid, but TJ refused. He even said that he was offended and that he would never do something that selfish.

Then the day came where he was writing his essays and sending in his test scores. It was grueling and he thought it would never end but then he remembered how TJ had written his essay on how his mom's relationship with his boyfriend would inspire his first film and he'd laugh to himself. Cyrus wrote his essay on the detrimental effects of having too many parents.

And then Cyrus got his acceptances and rejections. He had been rejected to every school except one: Columbia University in the City of New York. He couldn't believe it. He was going to New York too.

Andi ended up at Parsons to study design, just down the street from TJ. Buffy went somewhere in the pacific northwest where she started playing soccer. Jonah went somewhere hot and cheap, Arizona State. Walker went to Parsons with Andi and Amber decided to join the peace corps, and Marty went to CSU Long beach to learn how to surf.

Cyrus' time at Columbia was short-lived, he stayed a semester before transferring to NYU because it was arguably better for screenwriters.

He had never told anyone, but NYU was his top choice, even before he knew TJ had applied. TJ and Cyrus spent their days eating dollar pizza and basking in New York City parks. Cyrus was finally completely happy.

THE END

authors note: after high school reed goes to jail for aggravated assault and lester goes to community :) lmao

[stevenrogers5-blog]

Last Five Steven (Part 8)

Summary: It’s based off of the musical ‘The Last Five Years’. Steve proposes to you. You guys get married. But is married life what he wanted. Or is it what he thought would be better for you. In this fan-fiction, you will travel throughout past that leads up to the wedding. But you will also be met with the present times as their marriage progresses.

Word Count: 1,624

Warnings: Bad words... But cute Steve Fluff

A/N: Once again, my written series so sorry if it is not a fan favorite. Just trying to do a part 3 of strings and trying to write some more original stuff. SERIOUSLY SEND IN REQUESTS!! 

Past

You slam your apartment door shut, knocking down your stupid christmas lights around the door. You huff as you throw your bag on the floor, kicking your heels off and heading straight for the closet and bathroom, completely ignoring Steve’s presence. Once out of your waitress outfit and makeup, you sigh loudly as you fall onto the couch.

“Baby…” Steve says hesitantly.

“I fucking hate New York and all the people in it!!!” You scream into the pillow. Steve slowly makes his way to you as you flip your body over. He picks up your legs and sits down placing them in his lap.

“Talk to me” Steve says giving your legs a soft rub. You huff as you rubs your eyes trying to prevent the tears from coming out.

“I am a talented dancer! I am a talented person! Why am i still stuck at this shit job then?! My time window is slowly shrinking and i can’t seem to freaking figure out how to get my foot in the door!” You explain, the tears finally being released from their chamber. Steve gives you a sympathetic look before pulling you up by your arms. You sit up letting out a massive sigh. Steve wipes away the escaped tears before standing up and leaving the room. He comes back with some tinsel and wraps it around your neck.

“I have a story for you.” Steve starts.

“Please no Steve, i am not in the mood.” You huff about to take the tinsel off before Steve’s hand stops you.

“I call the story the Schmuel, the tailor of Klimovich. Schmuel would work till half-past ten at his tailor shop in Klimovich. Get up at dawn and start again with the hems and pins and twist. Forty-one years had come and gone at his tailor shop in Klimovich. Watching the winters soldier on, there was one thing Schmuel missed.” Steve began as he lifts you off the couch and set you on the counter in the kitchen. He proceeded to hand you a cup of hot chocolate with peppermint liquor in it. You smile slightly as you take a sip of the warm liquid.

“Steven i do not know how this is suppose to help me feel better” You whine before Steve put his hand up to signal for you to be quiet.

“ ‘If I only had time,’ old Schmuel said. ‘I would build the dress that's in my head. A dress to fire. The mad desire of girls from here to Minsk. But I have no more hours left to sew’ Then the clock upon the wall began to glow…” Steve trailed off as the he turned the lights on behind the grandfather clock that was sitting next to the front door. You laugh as he wiggles his eyebrows at you.

“Those look lovely Steven” You say, nodding your head towards the lights. He smiles as he picks you up and sets you on the ground and drags you through the kitchen, turning the lights on through there.

“Oh but darling my story is not over. For the clock said ‘ Oh Schmuel you will get to be happy. For i give you unlimited time!” Steve drags you to your shared living room and sits you once again on the couch. You cross your legs and he turns the fireplace on. You watch the light engulf the stockings that you had hung up a few days ago. “ ‘So Shmuel go, sew!, and be happy!. Old Schmuel waved his hands at the clock and proceed to say ‘ No, it is not my lot. I’ve gotta make do with the time i have left’. So it was half past ten and schmuel called out ‘ Goodnight Klimovich’. He then proceeded to put his jacket and head towards the door” Steve says and he wraps a blanket around you and carries you to your craft room. He places you down on your chair and your bring a leg up to your chest

“Please tell me that th-”

“The clock cries out ‘Wait! Not yet! Even though you're not wise or rich you're the finest man in Klimovich. Listen up, Schmuel make one stitch and you'll see what you get’ But Schmuel stated ‘ It is much too late for me. I am at peace with my destiny and and i accepted how my life has turned out.’ But the clock cut him off, crying out ‘ Schmuel! One stitch and you will unlock all of your dreams.’” Steve says as he grabs one of your needles and pulls some thread through it. You huff out hoping and praying he doesn't ruin anything in your room.

“Steven” you warn as he steps closer to the dress you had been currently working on.

“So Schmuel put the thread through the needle's eye. And the moon looked down upon him. And he pushed the thread through the velvet black material. And as he turned his attention away for a second, the clock was starting to turn back in time. So he grabbed his shears and he cut some lace as the old hands moved left on the beautiful clock's face. And his fingers flew and the fabric swirled, it was becoming to be nine-fifteen all around the world. Every cut and stitch was a perfect fit as if God were controlling the needle himself!” Steve exclaims, pretending to sew into your dress, throwing tinsel and ribbon around the room. You laugh, wrapping the blanket around your body.

“I swear you are going to be the death of me Steven” You mumble, admiring your boyfriend dancing around the room.

“So Schmuel cried out through a rush of tears ‘Take me back! Take me back all forty-one years!’ And on he went sewing as the silent street awake with his cries. Schmuel's dress was at last complete. And he stretched his arms, and he closed his eyes. And the morning sun finally started to rise. And the dress he made on that endless night was a dress that would make any soul take flight. And sewn into the seams was forty one seasons of dreams that were slowly starting to come real.” Steve stopped his motion and turned to look at you with soft eyes, before placing the needle down. He kneeled down in front of you and took your hands in his.

“What?” You whisper before he kisses you softly and quickly.

“It was the very dress, as the papers stated, was a dress a beautiful woman wore. She claimed her love for young Schmuel who had only presented her that dress that morning with a soft knock on her kitchen door. Many had dreamed and prayed to get out of Klimovich, but none have succeeded” Steve says as he puts a strand of hair behind your ear. You smile sweetly at him as you place your hand lovingly on his face. “Maybe it’s that you are afraid to go out onto a limb-ovich” You laugh “Maybe your heart is completely swayed that you aren’t talented, but your mind can’t agree. How can i show you that you are the woman who inspires me everyday i wake up?”

You feel tears slowly creep into your eyes again, not like the ones like before.

“I don’t think that this time is when you should let your fears persuade when your time is up! Say goodbye to wiping ashtrays at the bar! And say hello to Y/F/N Y/L/N, the big-time star!” Steve exclaims as he takes the blanket off of you. He then swiftly throws you over his shoulder and proceeds to dance out of the room, back into your kitchen. “Oh baby, you get to be happy! I give you unlimited time!! Stop temping and go, Go!, be happy!!” You squeal in happiness as he sets you back down on the counter.

“Oh Steven” You exclaim as he pulls out papers of information for a headshot guy and advertisements for wanted actresses.

“Seriously Y/N, here's a headshot guy and a new BackStage where you're right for something on every page.Take a breath, take a step, take a chance, take your time. I know how talented you really are, now it’s time to show the world and yourself how talented you are!” Steve says, stepping in between your legs. You at him with most loving look before kissing him. Steve pulls his face away but not to far as he still wants to keep you in his arms. “I want the world to see my beautiful yet hard working freak of a girlfriend i have.”

You laugh at his words. He watches your face conform to your laugh, letting his admiration for you take over his every muscle.

“Steven, you are the most amazing man any girl would ask for. How anyone survives a life without you is beyond me.” You say as the tears once again slip from your eyes. He wipes them away before setting you on the ground. He leads you back to the couch and sits down. You sit in his lap, cuddling with him and sighing in pure contentment. He rubs your back before breaking the silence once again,

“Have i mentioned today, how lucky i am to be in love with you?” Steve whispers into your ear. You turn to face him and smile before connecting your lips for one more kiss. This time it is your turn to pull away, thus leading him to lean his forehead against yours,

“I love you too Steven.” You whisper before sliding down into his lap. He wraps his arms around you as you both sit in silence, watching the light from the fireplace playing across the walls.

[actuallyahorsewrites]

This is the first, completed chapter of a new story I’m working on. Please do not even bother attempting to steal this, as it is basically a fictionalized account of my own shit, so, good luck, lol. 

This is incredibly rough and unedited and definitely not my best writing, but maybe y’all can enjoy it anyway. 

I gotta start somewhere, right?

Song credit is to the lovely Frank Turner (Tape Deck Heart, Tell Tale Signs) and the bar mentioned in this is Barcade in Philadelphia, a very real place.

Everything else is fiction. 

Enjoy, I guess?

Gray clouds gathered in the distance, making the already cold, dreary streets absolutely miserable. Jamie shivered, drawing his thick jacket closer around him. No matter how much time he spent in Philadelphia, he would never get used to the winters here.

He had forgotten about the weird mixture of gentrification and abandonment that seemed to be the style in the city. It had been nearly eight years since he fled this place, and he was pretty sure he had purposefully erased most of it from memory. However, it seemed to him that the overall new coffee house and modern apartment vibe was starting to win out over the old, run-down warehouses and broken window aesthetic of the past.

Some things, he thought as he crossed a street and rounded an all too familiar corner, never changed. The familiar sight of his old apartment, complete with the homeless guy attempting to break into someone’s car, and the old couple yelling in Russian at each other was timeless. He half expected his ex-girlfriend to appear out of the door of one building, nagging him to get more candles next time he was at Target.

Jamie sighed. He knew coming here was going to be rough, especially coming back to his old street, but he didn’t realize that it would feel like it was yesterday that he had locked up and left for good.

He swallowed hard and turned away from the street. He had come here for a more specific than a walk down memory lane. Well. A different walk down memory lane, he supposed.

He turned a corner, letting his memories guide him down the sidewalk and underneath the subway. There were signs of growth everywhere, from a Starbucks across the corner in what used to be an abandoned air conditioning store to the perpetual potholes finally being filled in, to far less homeless people sleeping on the streets. In any other city, this might not have seemed like a sign of progress, but here, in this part of Philadelphia, it was almost a miracle.

A familiar faded brick building came into view, with a huge sprawling black sign declaring the building to be a bar with an arcade inside. His faint smile was bittersweet, memories starting to pile up as he crossed the street to the main entrance.

It was always strange, coming back to a place he hadn’t seen in years. Especially when it had been relatively untouched, as this bar had been. Sure, the people were different, and the specials were scrawled in a different handwriting, but the overall vibe and smell was the exact same. It was like walking into the past.

The room was long and lit by small, yellow tinged lamps that made it seem smaller. At it was, it was cramped, with a narrow bar crowded with stools and people, with an old jukebox blasting in one corner. An entrance to the arcade sat at the far end of the room, with the sounds of people screaming in excitement over the games they played.

Without thinking, Jamie made his way to the bar and ordered a Guinness. He sat down heavily on one of the stools to wait, his mind calming for the first time since he landed in this city hours earlier. This was what it felt like to come home.

Almost around the same time his beer arrived, the jukebox switched over to a faintly familiar song. The guitar was soft, yet persistent and he froze as he recognized it.

He hadn’t heard it in years--not since someone had used it as a parting line in a vicious fight that had ended a tumultuous relationship.

God damn it, Amy, we aren’t kids any more.

Jamie swallowed hard, trying to tamp down where his brain was dive bombing toward. He did not need to relive that set of mistakes tonight, not here, not now. Not when there were so many wrapped up in this bar alone worth reliving.

It seemed as the universe was determined to haunt him, however, as he caught a whiff of all too familiar shampoo.

Jamie froze. There was only person he had ever met that used that shampoo. That insane blend of floral and fruity, mixed with just an undertone of salt and sweat, enough to always drive him absolutely wild.

He turned, slowly, to his right. A slender woman, with long brown hair sat next to him, her face turned to the person sitting next to her. She was dressed in a well worn leather jacket and a pair of skinny jeans.

He would recognize the anxious tap of those long, slim fingers against her cider bottle anywhere.

You have got to be fucking kidding me, he thought, his heart pounding.

Mouth dry, palms sweating, he reached over and gently tapped her on the shoulder.

You know you kind of remind me of scars on my arms, the ones I know will never fade, that I covered with ink, but in the right kind of light still bleed through

“Amy?”

She turned to face him, a smile still present on her lips. It vanished instantly.

Jamie drank in her familiar, square jaw, long slender nose perched over soft, full lips before finally landing on those normally unreadable hazel eyes, now widened with surprise.

She gaped at him, revealing her once crooked teeth now straight.

“Son of a bitch,” she breathed. “Jamie?”

And just like that, it all came rushing back. Their first meeting, all those years ago, the seemingly endless conversations, the fights, the tears, and the inevitable good-bye five years ago that shattered him in ways he was still struggling to understand.

Fuck, he thought.

------------------- POV change ---------------------

Amy really wanted nothing more than to just curl up with a good book and a cup of tea in her pajamas, far away from everyone else. She really wanted to be underneath her warm quilts when the coming snowstorm hit, with the hope that work would be cancelled the next day due to weather.

But then, Drina’s boyfriend dumped her, and she was completely unable to be on her own, and couldn’t Amy please just come grab one drink with her so they could thoroughly thrash him to pieces?

It was truly the last thing Amy wanted to do. She loved Drina dearly, yes, but the girl went through boyfriends like Amy went through books; one a day, it seemed. There was only so much Amy could say that she hadn’t said before.

“But George could have been the one!” Drina groaned into her tequila sunrise.

Amy resisted the urge to sigh heavily. How many more times were they going to have to go through this?

“George was a sleaze ball,” she informed her friend. “He wasn’t fit to be in the same room as you, let alone date you.”

Dina sniffed. “You always know what to say, Amy,” she said. “What would I ever do without you?”

Amy often wondered that same thing, but kept that thought to herself. Instead, she took a long pull of her cider and gave her friend a knowing smile.

“You’ll never have to find out!” she declared.

It was a bit of a stretch. Amy tended to go through friends like Drina went through boyfriends, but that was more sheer bad luck and Amy running away from her problems all the time than any fault of her friends. Her longest friendship had lasted almost eight years before ending in a tragically bitter fight that left her leary of any long term commitments with anyone.

“You’re too good to me,” Drina said. “Let me buy you another drink!”

Amy went to protest, as she had barely drank any of her current one, but Drina was already flagging down a bartender to order more.

She sighed, tapping her fingers anxiously against the glass. She wondered how soon it would be before it was socially acceptable for her to bail, and then immediately felt guilty for doing so. Drina was a good person. A little high maintenance, sure, but who wasn’t?

The song on the jukebox changed and Amy’s blood instantly froze as she recognized the first, sad chords of the guitar.

It was a song that always brought back bad memories, no matter how much time and distance she tried to put between them and her current self. It didn’t help that Philadelphia was a hotbed of those memories, that this very bar was just a trigger waiting to be pulled, but she was muscling through most days.

I should make some excuse and get out of here, she thought. This song never failed to make her cry, both privately and publicly, and the last thing Amy wanted to do to Drina tonight was to explain her tragic dating history.

You can’t just keep waltzing in and out of my life, leaving clothes on my bedroom floor

Drina was talking about potentially moving to the back and playing some old school video games, or maybe even going somewhere else. Amy a little too enthusiastically agreed with the second suggestion.

“Are you okay?” Drina asked, giving her a curious stare. “You look weird.”

Amy flinched. “Sorry,” she said. “Too much to drink.”

The other girl gave her a questioning look, before shrugging. “Okay,” she said. “Let me go get the bill, and we can leave.”

She stood up and was gone before Amy could think to suggest splitting the bill. She sighed again, tapping the bottle harder as the song continued to play loudly in the background.

A gentle tap on her shoulder made her jump.

“Amy?”

Oh no.

She recognized that voice instantly. It took her back, to the first time she had ever come to this bar, to the years of her life she had wasted on someone who refused to love her back, to all the fights and tears and the reason why this song meant so much to her.

She slowly turned.

An all too familiar face stared back at her. A black paper boy cap was pulled down over what she assumed to be a bald head, shoulders hunched inside a patched gray jacket, a gaunt, pale face that still somehow managed to pull at her heartstrings. Those eyes, blue and searching, met hers and in an instant, Amy knew she was a fool to ever think she had truly put her problems behind her. 

“Son of a bitch,” she breathed. “Jamie?” 

[puditheparth-blog]

My Love Life.

A Short Introduction

Here's how sad (and humorously failing) my love life is. I actually don't even have that many women in my life, let alone having women I loved. So here's a post as a shoutout to all of them. Needless to say, don't ask me their names. It's not right to publicize anyone without their knowledge. Also if you're one of the people mentioned. Hi. I'm sorry I happened in your life. I'm sorry if I ever offended you. I try to be cool by being funny, because I don't have any other skills. I might've been rude to you, or mean, or I think the most common thing till now is "not giving enough personal space". So hey, you're not the only one I have tortured with my presence, if that makes you feel any better. Now that that's out of the way, here's my story. 21 years old, never had a girlfriend. That's the tl;dr of this post.

Girlfriend? Hahahaha. I wish. Never even been on a date. I was in a convent school from K through 12 (which really sounds weird as an Indian dude, but didn't seem weird at the time). So yes. Surrounded by dudes my entire life. Girls actually came to my life at the age of 16 (I know, weird). I have always loved women though. Admired them, respected (tried my best, at least) them, adored them. Sadly, never had the opportunity to talk to them.

Here's an introduction to this one girl in my life. I used to go to the gym at a popular "club" where the cool kids used to hang outs. That's when I saw her. She was divine. I had never been speechless in my entire life before. I instantly thought I would never see her again. But I do. Not too far down the road. I don't think many people know who I'm talking about at this point, but soon enough when she comes back to the post, people will instantly know who it is. She deserves a post just on her. But oh well. we'll talk about her later.

The Friend

I was supposed to be the funny guy. Made fun of myself, and others sometimes. Even back then, such an attention whore. Classic Pudi. So anyways. Got into 11th grade. Met her (different from the one above. She'll come later. be patient). I didn't fall in love with her. People don't seem to grasp that for some reason. Here's the reason behind that, as a proof. Her "love interest" was one of my best friends back then. I would never do anything to separate them (not that I ever could anyways). My lack of interactions with women caused me my friendship with her. Strap in boys, this is going to be a very common theme in this post. I used to love talking to her. Every moment I cherished her friendship. No more. I liked her as a friend. Side note. Weird how society works, opposite sexes can't say I like you or I love you without adding the phrase "as a friend". Ever think about that? Never understood the concept behind it.

My so called 'friends' teased me with her. She found it annoying. Who wouldn't? All of that was fine until she found me annoying as well. Ouch. Our interactions stopped. I blamed her. Classic Pudi. In hindsight, not even 5% her fault. I was annoying. Desperate for texts, and shit like that. You know, whatever teenegers do usually. Unsurprisingly, doesn't really work well with the ugly face and body of mine. In my heart, honest to God, I wanted to be her best friend, that's all. Maybe if I had talked to other women before, I would've known I was crossing lines unknowingly. I didn't. Broke my heart seeing how good friends we were and we were no longer talking. All I wanted was to be friends with her, never more. My stupidity got the better of me. As I write about her I have a rush of thoughts of all the things I said in the past which were stupid, things I shouldn't have done. But oh well. Those are thoughts for some other post. Let's end the talk about my friend here before it gets boring. There's a lot of skipped details. But I think it's better to leave those for some other post.

Amongst this rush of thoughts, all that's coming to my head is her. Yes the "her". She is back into the picture.

My First Love

The one who I actually fell in love with. Probably the smartest people I've met in my life (maybe 2nd smartest, now that I've met her...Hahah cryptic teasers. I love it). Let's refer to my first love as "Tracy" from here onwards. Not even close to her real name. But the pronouns are really getting difficult to keep up with. Deal with it. Also let's call the previous one "Sarah". Tracy is the most gorgeous person my eyes have had the luxury to lay upon(If that makes sense grammatically). I honestly pause whenever I think about her. Here's a stupid thought I had back then. I wished Sarah, also Tracy's best friend would've helped me get her. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It's funny because it's true. I remember having this feeling, to wanting just hug her everyday, listen to her every single moment (isn't that fucking creepy? don't worry I never even touched her).

Somehow in my nervousness I ended up insulting her multiple times. Till this day I have no fucking idea how. This was my biggest regret in life. Ending up insulting someone who you literally would give anything just to be with her. That's gotta fuck with your brain, right? People say confidence is the key for talking to a girl, just be brave they say. I was 16. My heart melted everytime I saw her. Who the fuck could muster confidence for someone who would turn you into a stupid person just by looking at you for 1 second. I used to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to get ready early for some tuition before school time. I clearly remember those days. Dark and cold winter mornings. I remember listening to Since I don't have you and

Estranged

both by Guns N' Roses EVERY MORNING. Pathetic, right? Maybe. But for the first time in my life I had felt my heart couldn't possibly belong to someone else. They were strong feelings I didn't know how to handle better.

I wish I could change a lot of things in my past life. This is one of them. Even if I had her friendship I would be the happiest person right now. She is not only smart and drop dead gorgeous, but also a great person in heart. I have seen that personally. I think I would mentally still break down if I had to make conversation with her again. But who knows. It's better to not know answer to some things in life. Keeps a good check to your sanity. I have a lot more to talk about her. I've easily skipped 98% of the information here. Tracy, if you ever read this, I am sorry for being silly. Let's just get married and be done with this "you don't exist in my life you creep" nonsense shall we? I'm kidding. But I am sorry really. I wish one day in life we could have a conversation as two adults, and maybe you could hate me less.

The Best Friend

Hey-oooo. It's time for the ever bubbly "BRITTANY". (I actually googled "stereotypical bimbo names" just because it annoys you to no extend, -love Pudi). So BRITTANY ladies and gentlemen, is who I call my best (female) friend. But as all good things go, there is also a sad past behind this story. BRITTANY's perspective. The third woman I encountered in my life. I think I was even more annoying to her than the previous two. Long story short, we connected quickly, we clicked and we had chemistry. Needless to say, I told her everything there was to know about me. Classic Pudi. We used to talk till 3 in the morning because why the fuck not? Eventually I fucked up big time(who would've guessed, am I right?? HAHAHA...ughm...) We went from talking everyday to not talking at all. It really burnt me on the inside. Totally my fault, but you know. Pudi loved to play the blame game.Some years ago (definitely not in the recent years), I actually used to wonder. If I hadn't fucked up things so bad with her, could we be together today? Sounds ridiculous now, of course. But it's just a thing I wondered. I actually don't even want an answer to that question. Nothing good can come even thinking about that, and I haven't given thought about it ever since.She has a boyfriend these days. Who everyone hates apparently for some reason. I also jokingly say I hate him. But honestly he's not too bad. Not a good looking dude to be honest, but then again who am i to judge?(HAHAHAHA. OUCH) More than that though, Brittany is my best friend and her happiness is more than enough of an argument to me. There's a history of interactions with her which I haven't even begun to mention. A million more memories and laughs and conversations. But this blog is as long as it is. Maybe some other day.Also here's why things are good between us. We have both acknowledged our past mistakes (even though she doesn't even have any mistakes) and we have moved on with life. We know we were kids and now respect each other as adults. That to me, is friendship. Stupid, forgiving, understanding and accepting. Just to be clear, I don't have feelings for her now. I love her... you know..."as a friend". I'm happy our friendship is at the stage where saying I love you isn't weird to either of us. I hope our friendship stands the test of time, and I hope the best things in life are just waiting to happen to you.Seriously, I value you greatly as a friend, and really love you :*P.S thanks for answering my drunk calls/texts all these years >_<

The Satan and His Goat

Fittinlgy enough, let's call this one "The Goat". This story involves a third party as well. The Satan. OOOOOHHHH a love triangle. Saucy??? No. Fuck you both, -sincerely Pudi.Originally I didn't want to talk about the goat. That was literally in my notes. But you know, fuck it. Why not? I still will keep my promise to the goat and not publicize what happened in details. Normally, this would've been the place to write about everything. But I have a promise to keep. No one till this day knows the exact story behind this. I'd like to keep it that way.

Here's the gist of this story, in literal points.

I mustered the courage to ask someone out.

Got my heart broken.

We remained friends.

I didn't know the backstory behind all of this.

I didn't know what I was walking into. How could I have known?

I CAME TO KNOW.

Got my heart shattered. The goat was not the reason. The Satan was the reason. The one you feel closest to, is the one that hurts you the most.

Things kept unfolding. Heart kept shattering.

Let's not go into details. But here's what happened. I no longer felt anything. No pain. No anger. No happiness. Or as professionals here at my college called it, you know, depression. The Satan and The Goat are not the sole reasons for this depression. But they sure as shit are the top 10 donors of that gift, I'll tell you that.Amongst this mess, I obviously was at fault for some of the story. I do apologize for that. To the satan and goat both. I am actually not angry about anything anymore. I shouldn't have so much expectations for anyone. Let's hope things work out between the 3 of us. I can finally move on I think. Forget the bitter past, as they say. On that note, I will cut this story short leaving out the gory details.Here's my opinion about you two right now. I realize you are not the only people to blamed in the situation, doesn't mean you are NOT to be blamed at all. You fucked up Satan. So did you Goat. At least accept it for my sanity. We can move on after that. It doesn't have to be dramatic. Just acknowledge you fucked up. 

The Mystery Girl

No one knows about her. Skip to the next one people, I have a message for her. You know who you are. More than anyone, I want to apologize to you. I have been bad to the others, but I have been a garbage to you. That note was really sweet, and no one has ever done that for me. With a million things going on at that time, it was just not a right time in my life. Also, I ACTUALLY never lied to you, if that's worth anything. I hope you understand that I am truly sorry. I would totally understand if you hated me for the rest of you life.I would appreciate if no one asks me about this. Some things are best left as memories and not stories.

The Unfinished Story

Let's call her "Jessica" shall we?

Jessica is the smartest person I ever met. Hands down. It's hard to explain why, because I'm not talking about academic smartness. It's just a thing you notice in a person once you have enough interactions.

The first time I met Jessica was weird for me. It wasn't love but just a weird feeling. Like I had known her for years. Sounds like a movie cliche. But you know, that's the closest analogy I can come up with. She knows everything about me. She has helped me more than anyone has, unknowingly.

We've had our fallouts. If you think I would've learned from my past mistakes by now? Boy you're wrong. But things are a bit different this time. This story has all the same reasons of fuck ups as before. But I have actually no idea when and how I fucked up. In my past, I actually realized my stupidity sooner or later. But not in this case. I am literally clueless how I managed to fuck up. Not that I blame Jessica by any means it is my fault in the end, but fuck me dude. I have no idea what I am doing wrong. I am sorry nevertheless. I am a fucking weirdo after all, if you haven't realized that by now.

Here's what I think of Jessica. I think I like her. Not in a weird, creepy way. I just like her as a person. I like to spend time with her. She has been through loads of shit. I wish all the happiness in life to her. I don't want ever want to see the day where she has to go through more shit. If that means that she won't talk to me anymore, so be it. I just want her to be happy. It's like you're rooting for the hero with struggles in a movie. I am rooting for her.

I was egoistic thinking only I can make things better for her and I fucked up our friendship by trying that out. But I realize I prefer her to be happy in general, not by just hanging out with me. I can't help but think how bad I have been to her too. Just not in a way I realize. Being an asshole is like smelling bad. You can't realize it unless someone points it out to you.

Here's a bit of a clarification, because often stupid questions arise to people for no apparent reason. No, I am not in love. I just hope that this person gets all the best things in their life, and that person happens to be of the opposite sex. It honestly feels like I've known her my entire life for some reason and that's why I wish good things for her. But nevertheless, It's just my lack of social skills with women that is causing this inarticulation to my entire existence.

Let's just wait and see how the story unfolds with Jessica. My hope is that she doesn't hate me anymore. That's literally my only hope for this story.

Just friends.

That honestly could be the title of my love(haha) life --Just friends--

Here's where I stand in my love(haha) life. For all the pesky people bothering me about every woman I ever meet. I've had feelings for some of them. Big deal. Once for a change try helping me rather than pointing out everything I do wrong in my life. There are many more things I just can't find the articulation to put into words. So many things I haven't even talked about. Well let's call this a summary of my love life then, shall we? There's no way one can write about the complexity of their feelings for one person (let alone multiple people) in a million books, let alone a blogpost. But, this is the closest I can come to saying what I want, without digging into that hurtful past of mine. It is just the surface, true. But I only want to give out the surface. Everything beneath; that is my luxury to keep as memories.

There are a lot more women in my life, obviously. More times where I have fucked up almost as bad as, if not worse than before. But Sarah, Tracy, Brittany, The Goat and Jessica were the people who really had an impact in my life. These were the people who made a dent in my ego and made me realize my mistakes. There were many others who are important to me. It's just not a thing to talk about right now.

If you've made it so far, and not killed yourself, congratulations. You have wasted your time on a nobody. But if you're alive and well, I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Don't be weird as ask me about names. respect the women, if not me. If you have your suspicions or guesses, keep them to yourself. I am not going to respond to any of that nonsense. But if you really have some advice for me or want to have a conversation, I'd be more than happy to hear/talk about it.

As a closing note, I'd like to add that this, unlike all the garbage I post has a purpose. I'm not planning to grab attention by this post. It's not even for the average reader. It's an apology. I joked about it earlier. But it's true. It seriously is an apology to every woman who had the misfortune of knowing me in their lives. I'm sorry. I didn't know any better. I wish I was a smarter person. There's this PUDI persona of me, the child, the person who just wants to impress everyone. And then there's PARTH. An actual adult. All I ever wanted with you all is to be a better more interesting person. I was a kid back then. Immature. Now that I've grown just a smidge, all the embarrassment is coming crashing down on me. All I ask for is you to forgive me. I understand you may not want to ever contact me. But I would be more than happy to know if you even acknowledge the fact that what I did back then was not an adult person. It was a child. It wasn't Parth. It was Pudi. I really am sorry for my past. I hope you understand one day. I don't have the guts to apologize to you in person, and there's a high chance you will never even come across this in your life. But if you do, I would do anything to mend my past mistakes and have a conversation as an adult person. If only...

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if only.